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Liv – Writer at www.eeniemeeniemineymum.com @eeniemeeniemineymum
I can’t tell you when life begins butI can tell you when love begins. It begins the moment you know a baby is there, within you, harboured as a secret that feels like a smile and looks like a lifetime of possibility stretched out in front of you. Love begins the moment you start preparing a place in your heart for a child. Achild that, sometimes, never comes. I have the privilege and honour of being mummy to three beautiful, magical, hilarious, infuriating children; five year old twins and a two and a half year old.
My body was also home to four babies I would never meet. Babies that only stayed for a moment in the scale of a lifetime. Babies that I would never hold but that I will now hold in my heart forever.
I can’t tell you how I overcame the loss of four first trimester babies, but I can tell you that grief feels a lot like fear. Fear of what may never be, fear of what may happen time and time again.
I will always wonder who they would have been, the babies I never met. But all I can do now is feel grateful that those babies, those little lives that weren’t meant to be, paved the pathway for the ones that were, and were part of choosing the family I was destined to have. They’re part of all of us now, I have to believe that. I can’t tell you when life begins, but I can tell you that if love could have saved them, they would have lived forever.
Em – Blogger at www.gettingabunintheoven.com @gettingabunintheoven
A miscarriage leaves you with nothing. You are empty, but not broken. Your heart aches but you’re not broken. Your world falls apart but you’re not broken.
You’re not broken, but you’re never the same again. You have lost something you are longing for so desperately. You’re not broken but your not quite complete until you hold your baby in your arms.
After multiple miscarriages and a heartbreaking infertility journey, I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t feel complete until I held my baby in my arms. I wasn’t broken, but I wasn’t complete either. When I held Henry for the first time six weeks ago, I knew in that very moment why I had so much heartbreak, and why I had kept going for so long. In that instant it all made sense.
Tahlia – Blogger at www.housewifestyleblog.wordpress.com @housewifestyle
When you have had a miscarriage or worse, multiple miscarriages you have so many emotions all at the one time, you have pregnancy hormones that are trying to deal with shock, grief, disbelief, pity, disappointment, pain, confusion and sadness thats ALOT to deal with, especially on your own. I know that I felt no one understood how I was feeling and unless it had happened to them how could they? After my first miscarriage the first thing I said to myself was ” What is wrong with me” and “Why is this happening to me” those two questions were what came to mind every time this happened.
My 3rd miscarriage was by far the hardest and most painful physically and emotionally. The first time it happened I remember being more in shock rather than sad, I was hopeful and I was sure that it was just a “one off” unfortunate situation and that in the future I would be ok, my husband and I hadn’t even decided whether we were ready for children and were not “trying” however we would have embraced the gift with open arms. The second time I had alarm bells and the worry came hard and fast “What if I could never have a baby?” After the first time I realised how much I wanted to be a mum, the reality was so close yet now it seemed that it might not even be a possibility, I was scared.
To me, there is absolutely nothing that compares to the indescribable love a mother has for her child, I was always going to become a mum, whether I needed IVF, to adopt or whatever measure it took I knew I was going to be a mum, that was thanks to the Hope I held onto. Our healthy children really are miracles, it often isn’t as easy as people perceive it to be, it takes a whole lot of things to align perfectly to be blessed with a baby and to become a parent. I am eternally grateful to have my darling daughter, even if I never have another, my heart is full, she filled all the parts that were missing and even when you think it cant your heart just grows.
Lindsay Gibson – Writer at www.lindsaymariegibson.com
I am a mother of three, two beautiful girls and one angel boy who soars above. My son Joseph Michael, passed at 26 weeks gestation on November 12, 2013 and he was my second baby. His loss left me in pieces. Pieces from my heart that fell to my feet the day his heart stopped beating. I wasn’t sure how to take my next breath, when myson would never take his. I would never get to feel his soft baby breath on my chest or the touch of his delicate skin. But something began to shift inside of me at the same time that my world was unraveling. Within the broken pieces of my heart, light was able to reach me on a new level. A level deeper than I ever knew it could. In the quiet and still center of the dark,funnel cloud of grief, this light joined my hand with love. A love that I hadn’t known ever before and my perspective on life changed dramatically. I began to live my life differently, with more compassion, more softness and with more wisdom. This is where I found hope to move forward and to be free with my grief. To allow grief and love to dance hand in hand, showing me how to just be.
I am not broken, instead I am whole; whole with this love that cradles my shattered heart. He taught me a new kindof love. My son. My angel above.
E.Fegan – owner & founder of www.dearbub.com @dearbubblog
I didn’t know what a ‘natural full miscarriage’ was. Who knew that you could miscarry and give birth at just 10 weeks pregnancy?
An ultrasound revealed I had a blood clot bigger than the baby where the placenta connected to the umbilical cord. It was rupturing, and a placental abruption was underway. It was easily up there with one of the most painful experiences of my life. It was as though I could feel my insides tearing away, and every bone in my lower abdomen felt as though it was breaking. As the pain and bleeding intensified, my left leg went numb. I was alone at home, petrified, and literally crippled from pain. As I haemorrhaged and passed chunks of tissue, I would wonder which part was placenta, and which part was my baby. But the very last ‘cramp’ which I now knew were actually contractions (I was dilated at 6cm the day after), Iknew it was him. He was still in the sac. I saw this tiny perfectly forming human, with little arms, fingers, legs and toes. The heart that I had seen beating in the ultrasound just the day before, was now still.
I felt embarrassed and I blamed myself. I felt like my body had failed my baby. Over 1.5 years later and I still suffered from a limp and hip pain, I needed multiple surgeries for over 1.5 years to remove residual scar tissue, a bloody cyst left over from the pregnancy, uterine adhesions, ovarian cysts, endometriosis. I forgot what ‘feeling well’ was like. I couldn’t work. I worried that I would never be able to conceive. I felt broken.
It took me time to learn to embrace these happenings as just part of life, and my journey; in fact, to accept that these happenings are more common than I ever realised.
Yvette – owner & founder of She is Sacred
After three miscarriages I often question my womanhood. Am I only to be blessed with one child? Is it my PCOS? What is really going on inside of me? Is it the cysts that are in the way? Are my ovaries too lazy to have another baby? Why did my body has rejected three little lives? I will never know. To bring a moment of hope and happiness, only then to be snatched away from me, almost broke me emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I may have transparent cracks and chips all over my body. I break down and cry from the losses and torment myself with the Why’s and What Could Have Been.
I have had injections, tests – been prodded and poked all to try and find a simple answer why my body just won’t function.
Despite all this, I am not broken. I might have felt broken, but over time I began piece myself back together. I have turned my back on rejecting myself and being more loving to myself, I have begun to accept what has happened and embrace my Womanhood for what it is, rather than seeing it as a failure.