I know some people would answer the question with a resounding ‘Yes’, but I’m not sure I would agree.
Some people would say they were born to be a Mum, I have never said that. I just assumed it would happen at some point of my life.
There was a period in my mid 20’s when I said I wasn’t planning to have children, I didn’t see them in my future. This was of course when I was studying for my nursing degree. I had dreams and goals I wanted to achieve in my career and children at that time didn’t fit in.
Things changed when I met my now Husband, I knew that I did want to be a Mum.
After we were married we fell pregnant with our first child straight away. I had prepared myself for things not working out so I felt very lucky and extremely happy.
However, at 27 weeks of pregnancy we found out our first baby, a boy had passed away. Was I not meant to be a Mother? This was one of the many questions I asked myself many times after his passing. I worried because I had said to myself a few years earlier I wasn’t sure I wanted children, and perhaps this was a bit of karma???
A year later we welcomed our daughter in to the world, she is now approaching her fifth birthday. After 22 months of her arrival, I delivered our second Son who is now three.
After the birth of our daughter, I struggled I felt that I wasn’t a good mother. But, I told myself everyday that this was want I wanted. I was lucky to have her after our previous loss and I should enjoy every moment. So of course when I wasn’t having a good day, I really gave myself a hard time and questioned my ability to be a good Mother.
When our second son was born, I felt so blessed that I had a healthy daughter and now a healthy baby boy, but something didn’t feel right. I continued to still doubt myself a Mother and thought my children would be better off without me. I no longer felt any joy and dreaded being on my own with them and to be there ‘mother’.
I was not in a good place at all, I wanted to run and hide from my responsibility of being a parent, I had lost my identity. I was a Mum and now I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be at all. I put a HUGE amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect Mother to my children. Everywhere you look, motherhood is in your face, and constantly compare yourselves to others.
I slowly raced up to my feelings towards my children and how I felt about being a Mum in January 2015. I sought help, I visited my GP and organised myself an appointment to see a counsellor, and gradually I dealt with how I was feeling. I began to enjoy being a Mother.
I still have days when I am overwhelmed and think I’m not doing the best by my children, but I remember how I once felt and realise I don’t have those feelings anymore. My children need me and most importantly I NEED them. Without them I wouldn’t be the Mum I am today.
It’s ok to admit that being a Mum is hard and we don’t often enjoy it, we are not alone in the Motherhood journey.
My name is Stacey a Mum to Amber and Isaac and also Alex who was stillborn in June 2011. Im also a wife and a nurse and I live in New Plymouth, New Zealand. I moved to New Zealand from England in 2004.
My blog focuses the highs and lows of life and my love of crafting.
I have written posts about baby loss, stillbirth, post natal depression and my life as a Mum.